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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.