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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.