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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
I thought I was a bit hardcore until I saw this guy sucking on a soy sauce packet like an Otter Pop.
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.