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I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.