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I just can`t help it ... Sarcastic bitch is built-in.
If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
My pants are 75% off.
I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.