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I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
The last time I touched a breast, it was in a KFC bucket.
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.