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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Cubic Zirconium`s slogan should be: Guys can fake it too!
I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I`m depressed.
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up