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Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin? (asking for a friend)
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.