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I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
The word “fireplace” really reveals the creativity of our ancestors
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.