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I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
I need a vacation ... or this fifth of Jack -Me at the liqiour store
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
I need a new bad decision.
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.