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Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, should all acquaintance be forgot and somebody refill my wine.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
Don`t know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. Problem solved
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.