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Sometimes, I use big words I don`t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
Give Me A Minute While I Pretend To Care!
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .