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When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
I’m quite confident that the reason I’m single is because I didn’t forward that chain letter in 2003.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day