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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.