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I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
Went to Walmart yesterday and bought me a new toilet brush, I think I am gonna go back to using paper, it is much more gentle on the netherlands........