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A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
If my smartphone was so smart, then why it can`t do my math homework
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. LOL. But on the up side, it is fun!! ;)
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
when in Rome get naked ;)
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.