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20 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!
I`m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.