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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can`t believe they haven`t paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.