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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.