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The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
If a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word,,,,,,,, is he still wrong?
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Word for today: Dipshidiot
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.