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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Surly not EVERYBODY was Kung-Foo fighting?
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.