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Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t give a damn!
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.