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Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.