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Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel`s foot.
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.