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It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
I dream about naps.
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.