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The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.