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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face...
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.