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I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
hmm ... I wonder what I´m thinking?
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.