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Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm