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What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Strangers are like birds. If you run at them screaming and waving your arms they will run away.
Why is it called cliffhanger and not
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
People think that a girl`s dream is to find her perfect guy & be with him forever... That`s Crap! A girl`s dream is to eat without getting fat.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.