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If you keep doing what you´ve always done, you´ll keep getting what you´ve always gotten.
Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
great minds and dirty minds have something in common, they think alike
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do...
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.