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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
It`s a lot easier to chuck a co-worker in the dumpster than it is to listen to his problems.
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY