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It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert