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If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
Everyone has a right to their own opinion, no matter how wrong they are. And that`s why we have a problem.
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Can`t believe people still say "pot" it`s not the 70s anymore we call it "saucepan" now
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."