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You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
Women come in two types: batsiht crazy and hot enough to ignore the batsiht crazy…
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?