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"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
If you have really strong opinions on subjects that you know very little about... then Facebook just may be the perfect thing for you.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.