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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
Maybe teenagers just aren`t strong enough yet to remove the sticker from their hat
(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
To be truthful from deep down ... I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
Karma takes too long ..... I`d rather beat the sh%t out of you.
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..