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Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?