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I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.