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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I would like to wish all of the groundhogs a very safe and happy Groundhogs Day.
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
The naked truth is better, than d dressed-up lie :) Aa
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."