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If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
is battling with eyelids
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.