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What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.