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I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.
It´s Friday-O-Clock!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
Im 6`1", blue eyes, light brown hair, fit, own my own compa......oh crap, wrong website, sorry.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`