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Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
You might be a REDNECK if you think S.T.O.P. means spin tires on pavement!! :)) lol
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.
Being alive is so expensive.
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.