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Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
I have no time for stupid people But they sure seem to have time for me.
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!