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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
the dude who posted ”MERRY CHRISTMAS“ has still got his head shoved up the turkeys A$$ it seems...
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
Home is where the pants aren’t.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?