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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
Relax,,, We`re all crazy.. It`s not a competition.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
We`re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap...
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.