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That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome