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I wonder if angry people know about naps?
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
He said the spark between us was gone..so I tasered him..... Ill ask him again when he wakes up
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong