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Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
pudding... thats always a funny word
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.