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Is it hibernation time yet? Because I am 100% into that.
My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
"Slow and steady wins the race." Unless it`s one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours