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There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...