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I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
I liked you better before we met.
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
I wouldn`t say I "missed" your call.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.