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I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
At the end of the day, it`s 11:59pm.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
If a group of midgets performed the YMCA song, it is to be considered that they did it in lowercase?
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.