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I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
Messing up a guy’s hair = cute. Messing up a girl’s hair = putting your life on the line.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
I`m switching to Metric. I would weigh a lot less on the Metric scale.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"
I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.
doesn`t need any help being bad but u can come along for the ride if your up for it.
In the South, they remove the `g` from the end of most words. Just sayin`.