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There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360