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Pizza is my favorite winter activity
How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
If you have really strong opinions on subjects that you know very little about... then Facebook just may be the perfect thing for you.
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. Then they are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”