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"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."