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What I do when I black out is none of my business.
It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
"You CAN even."- white girl life coach
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".