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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
that awkard moment when someone`s laugh is actually funnier than the joke
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.