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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I am going to bed. Good Night :D
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
How Big is Infinity?
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.