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If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."