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Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle ... * A Cramp Stamp
There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.