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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
When we are small, our mom`s would use really small forks as spoons to feed us...But what about Chinese moms? Would they use toothpicks?
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.