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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
TIP: If cars are passing you on the highway in the LEFT lane, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RIGHT LANE!
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.