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Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/